February is Eating Disorders Awareness Month - a month that I hold dear to my heart, not only because of my own experience, but because I have watched eating disorders take their toll on some of the strongest women and men that I know and love. 50% of the United States population knows someone with an eating disorder or have been personally affected by one. I suspect that number is dramatically larger when including undetected cases. Unfortunately, even when someone knows that their friend is struggling, they rarely know how approach them or give them the help that they need to seek treatment.
When I met Ally, I knew. Working on Embody Carolina alongside CEED professionals, Ben, Cora, and Savannah had drilled the signs and symptoms into my brain. But more than that, I felt in my gut that something was wrong - that she was in trouble. I got the sense that people avoided the topic like the plague, that the white elephant in the room was sitting on top of her shoulders, crushing her in a psychological prison, but remained ignored by everyone around her. I remembered how that felt - feeling like you wanted someone to reach out but dreaded it more than anything all at the same time.
In the weeks to follow, Ally and I became friends. I saw glimpses of her personality through the facade of the disorder and we became very close. I realized how deeply embedded she was in the disorder and longed to help. It is almost impossible to explain the burden of an eating disorder. Physically, they crush you - draining you of all physical and mental energy, stressing your organs, muscles, bones - everything. Mentally and emotionally - they are like living in a constant nightmare, being jeered at, ordered around, judged, and exposed at each and every moment. It's hard not to get taken back to those emotions when someone you care about is struggling. It's hard to resist the temptation to scream at them "LOVE YOURSELF LIKE I LOVE YOU. ITS NOT WORTH IT." But disorders are enigmatic to say the least, and evade most all logic.
I wrote her a note, just to tell her that I was always there to talk if she needed me - to let her know that I cared about her and wanted her to be happy. (PLEASE note that approaching a friend with a disorder is complicated and is highly nuanced based on the relationship you have with the person, where they are in their disorder, etc. Here are some tips from NEDA) Miraculously, she responded, saying that nobody had ever approached her - that she was miserable but terrified of change.
She embarked on her recovery journey. I tried to stay by her side and help however I could. She found professional help, fought bravely through rough moments, succumbed to others. She had good days, terrible days, and everything in-between. Watching her fight was inspiring, and terrifying. The disordered logic was so strong - abusing her at every opportunity. But she fought and fought and fought. We sat through painful challenge food experiences, talked for hours to get through rough spells, and grew as friends. As she progressed in her recovery, her personality emerged from behind the disorder, and I was stunned by her sass, but also by her compassion, her kindness, her desire to love and serve others. Watching her come back was like watching spring come again. It was like she drank deeply from life itself.
Looking back, what terrifies me most is that Ally, the girl that stole my heart, and became one of my closest friends might have died, The type of disorder Ally had is the number one most fatal psychological illness. Number one. I can't imagine life without her. I can't imagine not rolling my eyes at her latest snarky comment. I can't imagine not coming home to a surprise letter in the mail, carefully crafted, just to make me smile. I can't imagine not having one of my best friends.
Ally is a survivor. Ally is a warrior. Ally is an inspiration.
Ally taught me many things, and continues to teach me in every interaction. The most important lesson Ally taught me is that life is precious. Life is the most beautiful gift we have. Eating disorders detract from life - they limit a world of possibility to silos of restriction.
People get frustrated with me sometimes when I get on my soapbox. But I don't care. I get on my soapbox for Ally. Because someone made a "joke" to Ally when she was 15 years old that she had one too many french fries - and that stuck with her. Jokes don't cause disorders, necessarily, but they are fuel to the fire. When that fire burns lives are at stake. So I'll jump on that soapbox and scream because I love Ally, and Ally is one of many, one of over 24 million people in the US alone that struggle with Eating Disorders. Every single one of those 24 million is an Ally to someone, and that's worth fighting for.
So know about it. Learn about Eating Disorders and body image. Equip yourself to help your friends. Seek treatment if you need it, remembering that you must always help yourself in order to help others.
I will leave this post with Ally's words, some of the most beautiful I have ever read:
"TO THE EDITOR:
For years, I chose to believe I was the exception, not the rule. I rolled my eyes whenever my parents brought up the issue of weight, and I ignored my sister’s glares as I looked up nutrition facts at the dinner table.
It took me weeks to admit it aloud – I was anorexic.
From an outsider’s perspective, it was hard to believe that this was any revelation to me.
Chances are, I’d still be happily denying my eating disorder if it weren’t for some amazing people who were brave enough to voice their concerns.
Hearing concerns from people other than my parents motivated me to finally seek help.
The same people have been my support system through the entire process.
Don’t be afraid to approach a friend if you’re concerned.
It won’t be easy; it’s going to be awkward for both of you, but it could be lifesaving.
Allison Bardill ’16
Nutrition
Exercise and sport science"
Ally: you are the Carrie to my Miranda. I love you.
When I met Ally, I knew. Working on Embody Carolina alongside CEED professionals, Ben, Cora, and Savannah had drilled the signs and symptoms into my brain. But more than that, I felt in my gut that something was wrong - that she was in trouble. I got the sense that people avoided the topic like the plague, that the white elephant in the room was sitting on top of her shoulders, crushing her in a psychological prison, but remained ignored by everyone around her. I remembered how that felt - feeling like you wanted someone to reach out but dreaded it more than anything all at the same time.
In the weeks to follow, Ally and I became friends. I saw glimpses of her personality through the facade of the disorder and we became very close. I realized how deeply embedded she was in the disorder and longed to help. It is almost impossible to explain the burden of an eating disorder. Physically, they crush you - draining you of all physical and mental energy, stressing your organs, muscles, bones - everything. Mentally and emotionally - they are like living in a constant nightmare, being jeered at, ordered around, judged, and exposed at each and every moment. It's hard not to get taken back to those emotions when someone you care about is struggling. It's hard to resist the temptation to scream at them "LOVE YOURSELF LIKE I LOVE YOU. ITS NOT WORTH IT." But disorders are enigmatic to say the least, and evade most all logic.
I wrote her a note, just to tell her that I was always there to talk if she needed me - to let her know that I cared about her and wanted her to be happy. (PLEASE note that approaching a friend with a disorder is complicated and is highly nuanced based on the relationship you have with the person, where they are in their disorder, etc. Here are some tips from NEDA) Miraculously, she responded, saying that nobody had ever approached her - that she was miserable but terrified of change.
She embarked on her recovery journey. I tried to stay by her side and help however I could. She found professional help, fought bravely through rough moments, succumbed to others. She had good days, terrible days, and everything in-between. Watching her fight was inspiring, and terrifying. The disordered logic was so strong - abusing her at every opportunity. But she fought and fought and fought. We sat through painful challenge food experiences, talked for hours to get through rough spells, and grew as friends. As she progressed in her recovery, her personality emerged from behind the disorder, and I was stunned by her sass, but also by her compassion, her kindness, her desire to love and serve others. Watching her come back was like watching spring come again. It was like she drank deeply from life itself.
Looking back, what terrifies me most is that Ally, the girl that stole my heart, and became one of my closest friends might have died, The type of disorder Ally had is the number one most fatal psychological illness. Number one. I can't imagine life without her. I can't imagine not rolling my eyes at her latest snarky comment. I can't imagine not coming home to a surprise letter in the mail, carefully crafted, just to make me smile. I can't imagine not having one of my best friends.
Ally is a survivor. Ally is a warrior. Ally is an inspiration.
Ally taught me many things, and continues to teach me in every interaction. The most important lesson Ally taught me is that life is precious. Life is the most beautiful gift we have. Eating disorders detract from life - they limit a world of possibility to silos of restriction.
People get frustrated with me sometimes when I get on my soapbox. But I don't care. I get on my soapbox for Ally. Because someone made a "joke" to Ally when she was 15 years old that she had one too many french fries - and that stuck with her. Jokes don't cause disorders, necessarily, but they are fuel to the fire. When that fire burns lives are at stake. So I'll jump on that soapbox and scream because I love Ally, and Ally is one of many, one of over 24 million people in the US alone that struggle with Eating Disorders. Every single one of those 24 million is an Ally to someone, and that's worth fighting for.
So know about it. Learn about Eating Disorders and body image. Equip yourself to help your friends. Seek treatment if you need it, remembering that you must always help yourself in order to help others.
I will leave this post with Ally's words, some of the most beautiful I have ever read:
"TO THE EDITOR:
For years, I chose to believe I was the exception, not the rule. I rolled my eyes whenever my parents brought up the issue of weight, and I ignored my sister’s glares as I looked up nutrition facts at the dinner table.
It took me weeks to admit it aloud – I was anorexic.
From an outsider’s perspective, it was hard to believe that this was any revelation to me.
Chances are, I’d still be happily denying my eating disorder if it weren’t for some amazing people who were brave enough to voice their concerns.
Hearing concerns from people other than my parents motivated me to finally seek help.
The same people have been my support system through the entire process.
Don’t be afraid to approach a friend if you’re concerned.
It won’t be easy; it’s going to be awkward for both of you, but it could be lifesaving.
Allison Bardill ’16
Nutrition
Exercise and sport science"
Ally: you are the Carrie to my Miranda. I love you.