Friends with kind hearts and good intentions often believe that because we are in “recovery,” we are OK - that our struggles fell to the floor the minute that we walked into therapy. Our eating habits may have “normalized,” our exercise routine subdued and diversified. We smile now. WE laugh, and spend time with friends. We enjoy life again. Years out of recovery, they expect on days like these that we can gobble down a Thanksgiving feast with little thought, “just like the rest of us.” They’ll kindly poke fun at themselves (and you) to test the waters, to make sure everything’s alright. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Even years out of recovery, Thanksgiving can be a tricky and stressful time for folks with histories of disordered eating and eating disorders. While years of recovery, therapy, and nutritional counseling have changed our lives dramatically for the better, anxieties emerge from deep within us, taking their seat beside us to gently remind us about the mythical dangers the meal before us holds. Know that it’s okay to struggle. You are never expected to be perfect, even in recovery moments of struggle will come and go. Notice your disordered thoughts, and try like hell to choose recovery, because you deserve happiness, health, and the joy of living your life without inhibition. Today, while you surround yourself with people who love you, it’s also important to arm yourself (and them) with strategies that can help you enjoy this holiday to its fullest. |
- Choose Recovery: This is the big vague hunka step, but I say it because it’s by far the most important. If you are confused about what to do in any situation, think “how can I choose recovery in making this decision? How can I make my true self stronger?”
- One particularly important point along these lines is to try and avoid restrictive/compensatory/binging behaviors. Eat mindfully throughout the day. Respect your body’s hunger and satiety signals. This is harder than it sounds, but is so important to nourish both your body and mind.
- Leverage your treatment plan/team: Hopefully you have developed resources and strategies over time to deal with moments of stress and disordered thinking. Write those strategies down to refer to if you need them over the course of the holiday.
- Reach out, and help people help you: There are so many people who love you and want to help in any way they can. Let them know ahead of time that you might experience some stress and provide them with some ideas, questions, and strategies to help you in moments of difficulty. If you’re unsure of what might be helpful to you, think back on ideas your treatment team provided you, or write out questions that have been helpful to you in the past. I’ll include some ideas below that might help, but remember that everyone is different.
- Avoid Isolation, but Maintain Personal Space: Surrounding yourself with people is often encouraged by eating disorder experts, but it can also be stressful. If you feel the need to escape, designate a partner in crime who understands you and your journey. Call them if they’re far away, take a walk, or simply find a room to relax and recharge.
- Reframe your thinking: As best you can, reflect on the aspects of the holiday that don’t necessarily concern food: the joy of family, friends, football. Reflect on the things that you are grateful for, especially in your recovery journey - your body that enables you to engage with the world - the people and experiences that make you happy, that make you, you. Express gratitude to those who have helped you in your journey, and to the foods that nourish your body. Be grateful for your inner strength, which has brought you so far in embracing life fully again. Celebrate all that you have, and the journey left before you.
If you are a friend, or ally of someone struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, consider:
- Call, text, or reach out personally to your friend: Express your love and appreciation to them. Express how proud you are of their recovery. Express that you are there for them. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares makes all the difference in the world.
- Shut down disparaging comments: Thanksgiving meals are fraught with fat talk. Even if those comments don’t bother you, you never know who they might affect. Renee Engeln Ph.D of Northwestern University (someone who I am EXCEPTIONALLY grateful for) conducted research suggesting that interrupting fat talk conversations mitigates its negative psychological effects for those who might hear it.
- Be There for your friend: If your friend is experiencing a moment of need, be there for him/her/zer. Here are some thoughts for what to say/do to help navigate these situations.
- Thank them for coming to you for help
- Acknowledge how far they have come, and how proud you are of recovery
- Ask what strategies in the past have worked, or what their treatment team might recommend.
- Ask what you can do to support them in doing those things
- Check in - Reach out again later on and see if there’s anything else you can do
- AVOID
- Promoting disordered thoughts/actions
- If someone asks you to do something that is actively supporting disordered thinking or behaviors (restricting, purging, or compensation) don’t indulge them. Instead, ask what their treatment team might encourage and try to support them in those strategies
- Talking about food or weight
- This includes comments made about your body, their body or the bodies/food of others
- Prescribing solutions
- You aren’t your friend’s psychologist, doctor, or dietician. Avoid designing solutions, as they may not follow that person’s treatment plan. Be present, be supportive, and be their friend. That is an exceptionally important role.
- Promoting disordered thoughts/actions
Happy Thanksgiving!